


We Have To Go Deeper (That's What She Said)

by mercuria



Category: Archer (Cartoon), Inception (2010)
Genre: ARCHER!!!, Crack, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-12
Updated: 2014-01-12
Packaged: 2018-01-08 10:19:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1131487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mercuria/pseuds/mercuria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ISIS receives a visit from everyone's favorite extraction team. </p><p>No excuses, no regrets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Have To Go Deeper (That's What She Said)

**Author's Note:**

> This was just sitting on my hard drive, and then my roommate said I had to post it. I'm impressionable!

“Hey, what’s with all the guys in the suits?”

Cheryl rolled her eyes. “Uh, _duh_ , Pam, they work here?”

“Not _our_ guys!” Pam thumbed towards a well-dressed group by the reception desk, mostly men with one young woman. “Those guys!”

Malory’s voice bellowed from her office: “Carla—!“

“ _Cheryl_!”

“Whatever!” Malory sniffed, coming around to the doorframe with a martini in hand. “Will you tell the representatives from Cobb Security that they may come in now?”

 

*

 

“I don’t like it,” Archer said.

“Oh please, Sterling,” Malory said, laying a hand across her eyes, “you weren’t even _invited_ to this meeting.”

“Have you looked at them??” Archer demanded. “They’ve got ‘We Will Betray You’ written all over them-- in permanent ink-- _from a space pen._ Do you never learn even a little bit, mother?!”

“Don’t talk to me like that!” Malory pointed an unwavering finger, which was impressive given that Archer guessed she must be on her third Rob Roy of the morning. She lowered her voice. “For your information … we captured an Odin agent crossing the Russian-Estonian border last week, while _you_ were prancing around with that Russian floozy—“

“The _love of my life_ , mother—“

“And we have reason to believe he may know the identity of _your_ father.”

Archer paused. But only for a beat. “So why don’t we just torture him with our incredibly scary arsenal of torture devices?”

Malory pursed her lips.

“Unfortunately, they were confiscated by the IRS while Cyril was being interrogated for those crimes he committed in Vegas.”

Archer glanced from side to side. “Wow. That Cyril,” he said. “He’s just … staggeringly irresponsible … are the words that come to mind.”

Malory shook her head impatiently. “We need more sophisticated means of extracting information than just having Lana bludgeon the man with her _enormous_ hands.”

“Uhhh. _Thank_ you?” Lana waved her arms. “Standin’ right here.”

“And actually, _we_ are standing here as well.” The Asian guy in the suit looked perfectly polite, if you discounted how vast and scary the whites of his eyes appeared.

“Yeah,” said the British guy in the suit, eyebrows quirking. “And we _can_ hear you, love.”

“--What??” Archer complained. He made a frantic, expansive gesture with his arms. “ _Mother._ He’s got a cool accent!”

“Oh, hush, Sterling.” Malory turned her attention to the guys in suits, with _particular_ attention to Asian Guy. “Thank you _so_ much for coming down to ISIS with your team, Saito-san.”

“It is our pleasure,” Saito replied smoothly.

“We’re glad to help you learn our extraction methods,” said another Suit Guy. This one would be, if Archer had to describe him … fuck it, ‘brooding’? That sounded totally gay.

“We’re confident we can solve your problem,” Saito concluded.

“Oh, Saito-san,” Malory purred, “I’m sure you can solve all kinds of … problems.” (Off to one side, Archer retched violently.) “We’ll send a team down to meet with your men right away.”

The hot brunette chick with the suit guys frowned. “Uh—is he gonna be okay?”

“Probably,” Lana muttered.

 

*

 

“So why am _I_ here?” Cyril looked pained.

Lana folded her arms over her chest. “Gooood question.”

“This extraction procedure is going to become an ISIS standard,” Malory said, poking her head around the door of Krieger’s lab. “I need you all to learn the procedure, and for _you_ to make sure that there are no legal liabilities for things that go wrong in dreams.”

Cyril blinked. “Dreams?”

Cheryl’s eyes narrowed, a slight smile on her face. “Last night I dreamed I worked in a morgue.”

Cobb Security, as a whole, looked distinctly uncomfortable.

“Look, uh,” said Middle Eastern Suit Guy, “we’re going to introduce you to some of the chemical compounds and equipment we use in dream-sharing—“

“I am _not_ sharing dreams with _Cyril_ ,” Lana interjected.

“What a surprise,” Cyril muttered, “you wouldn’t share anything else—“

“OH, you REALLY wanna go there, NOW—“

“As well as the techniques you’ll need to get what you want,” Broody Suit added, louder. “We’ve already built a dream for you to explore safely. You’ll learn more once we go inside, but Arthur’s going to walk you through some of the basics now.”

The last Suit Guy, whom Archer had dubbed Douchey Suit Guy but now mentally amended to Douchey Arthur Suit Guy (or Code Douche, for short), stepped forward. Meanwhile, Lana leveled a finger at Cyril and mouthed THIS ISN’T OVER.

“Okay,” he said, “you’ll notice we’re giving you five minutes in the dream. Because your brain works faster during the REM cycle, this translates to an hour in the dream world.”

British Suit Guy appeared to be counting on his fingers. Cheryl was doing the same thing.

“We think twelve times as fast when we’re asleep as we do when we’re awake?” Cyril said incredulously.

“Approximately,” Code Douche replied, at the same time as British Suit said, “Not exactly,” and Lana hummed sweetly, “You’d need it.”

“What was that??”

“It’s best not to think about it too much right now,” Middle Eastern Suit Guy amended. “If you’ll all please lie down, we can administer the Somnacin.”

“One more thing first,” Code Arthur Douche added. “Once you enter the dream, there are only two ways to get out before time’s up. One is administering a ‘jump,’ which reproduces the sensation of falling. The other is to die.”

Archer blinked, looking around the lab.

“So you’re saying … I could just shoot somebody in the head right now, and he’d wake up?”

“… In a dream, yes,” Code Douche confirmed. “That’s how it would work.”

“I can just shoot somebody right now and they’d wake up.”

“Once we enter the dream, yes.”

Archer pulled out his gun and the safety slid off with a _click_. Lana snapped, _”Archer—“_

BANG!

“ARCHER!!!”

“WHAT, Lana,” Archer cried, waving his arms and by extension his gun, “OBVIOUSLY we’re asleep right now!”

Krieger wiped a tear from his eye.

“Oh, Jared.”

Beat.

“I’ll get the mop.”


End file.
